Archive | November, 2017

HUMP! Film Fest 2017

30 Nov

Warning: This post is likely NSFW. There are no nude pictures but there is strong language and detailed description. It’s a porn review.

I’m not sure what took me so long to see HUMP! Something always got in the way but I’ll never make that mistake again.

It was glorious, uncomfortable, hilarious and refreshing porn. What a joy it was to see people, I mean people, fucking and sucking with delirious grins on their faces. HUMP! Is a far cry away from “Hot girl, big boobs, shaved pussy, cunnilingus for 1 minute before she sucks him off for 15 minutes and then he fucks her for another 15 minutes in multiple positions, cum shot in the face.” Blah, blah.

HUMP! Has something for everyone because it represents everyone. It’s fucking hot.


The first porno I saw was a naked man running down a field with his flopping dick. The film was definitely made in the 70s or 80s. Shortly after that, a woman ran after him. I saw it at a friend’s sleep over for her birthday party. We were in middle school; only myself and the birthday girl were brave enough to watch it. It was her mother’s porno. We quickly turned it off after we saw naked, running people. We were giggling and too embarrassed to watch any further.

Sitting in that theatre on November 12th, to watch 20+ short porn films felt like watching my first porno all over again but better; as far as I could tell, we all mostly kept our eyes open.

The festival opened up with “Objectify” which was a series of sexy objects: crayons being inserted in something, a sleeping bag playfully wiggling into a camping tent, jello wobbling like jiggly butts, giant balloons under the shirt. You get the point. It was a great opener and a much needed ice breaker. There were other funny short films like “Beach Boys” (a few seconds of playfully flopping dicks), a country song about being in a poly relationship, a woman who had a fetish about savings, musical queefs and a cautionary tale about not using all your batteries for sex toys.

We watched a lost hiker find fantasy, lingerie nymphs tackling the hiker for sexual pleasure (the costumes reminded me of Candomblé goddess movement, the outcasted Orixas); a couple in an alley outside of a laundry shop; a couple in the desert; and two people who meet in a coffee shop, dancing their way to sexy. That film won “Best in Show”.

“Morning Comes” was slightly uncomfortable, and sad, for me to watch. It was an honest dialogue about the insecurities we have when we don’t orgasm and how that affects our partners. When people with penises don’t come, with tend to view this as a failure. It took me years to be comfortable with that. It’s strange because even if I don’t have big orgasms, I’ve enjoyed my partner and I’m happy they came. I don’t feel that sex was a failure if I don’t orgasm. But when the tables are turned and my partner doesn’t have “the Big O,” I feel strange.

Like I failed.

But it’s a silly way to define sex. Sex is fluid, creative and about connection anyway; it’s not about if there is jizz mess somewhere on (or in) your body. Why is this one physical act so important? What would it be like to just touch your partner without any thought of coming but just.. Being?


By far the most powerful film was “The Dark Room” and not because of the anal fisting. It was powerful to see a masculine person with a pussy. This was a moment I’ve been waiting years for: different, whole people, in all their sexy glory. That film gave no room for doubting his masculinity. None. It definitely threw people off he didn’t have a cock but there was no doubting his manhood.

That film is needed in the world. We need more trans and queer porn. Because I am not a stranger to sexuality but when I saw “The Dark Room” I wasn’t sure if it was trans or queer porn; I didn’t know what it was. All I saw was a man with a pussy and a person with a cock. I felt sad that there were parts I didn’t understand. I want it to be a part of regular society. I dream of a day where we all don’t need quite so many explanations of different people but then explaining and showing people who are different is a way of celebrating our differences. That I like. But I also wish that what struck me most about that film was the incredible width that ass was stretched to. Holy cow, it was amazing.

I apologize for my awkwardness. I’m still learning and I’d rather be honest than pretend like it wasn’t something I had to adjust to. And that is the reason why I loved it! I had to adjust to it. I had to change what “normal” meant (for lack of a better word).

That film is going to stay with me for a long time.


“Bum Appetite” hit me in a deeply personal place. The woman was so much joy to watch. She enjoyed her partner while he used an eggplant to bring her pleasure. But the fucking grin that spread across her face as she suggested he used it will forever be a favorite memory of that film (he enjoyed the eggplant, too).

But seeing that woman smile, her luscious hips and booty, and how happy that dude was eating her out while she sat on the kitchen counter.. I can’t get over it! It was so hot! She was so hot. The whole experience flipped a switch inside of me. I finally got it. I finally understood why I am attractive to other people. I’ve struggled with viewing myself as attractive for a long time. It’s not a huge ordeal for me but it bugs me in the back of my mind. I find it weird when strangers are attracted to me; they don’t know me and I don’t see my body as anything special. I feel average or plain looking. I am not attracted to myself, you know? It’s hard to see what it is people like, exactly. I like parts of my body but my body as a whole? Meh. And I don’t want people to tell me I’m pretty so that I’ll feel pretty. It doesn’t work like that. We saw people who had a few folds of belly with their legs thrown up in the air and they looked HOT. It was the first time I had considered.. maybe I am also hot when MY legs are up in the air in that position. I “wear my weight well” but constantly worry about my belly fat.

That short film helped me see my own attractiveness because I could relate to her; I could see myself in her. I think HUMP! Film Fest can do that for a lot of people. That’s part of the point of porn, isn’t it? Or, wasn’t it supposed to be? To feel sexy? We impose these impossible standards on what constitutes as sexy. It’s to the point where human beings  cannot naturally live up to it. HUMP! Film Fest can help us unlearn our current beauty standards and build something better.

HUMP! Did more unpacking about beauty than anything I’ve seen in a long time; it didn’t explain, it just was. Because what it really, really comes down to is “But am I desirable? Am I sexy?”

The answer is yes. Yes, you are desirable and you are sexy.

This is why we need to create what we wish there was more of in the world.

Thank you to all the brave souls who participated this year and all the previous years.

HUMP! Film Fest is not only in the Pacific Northwest; it’s a tour. I’m looking at you Ohio, Illinois, Pennsylvania, New York, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Rhode Island, New Mexico, Louisiana, and many more! Some have dates have yet to be scheduled but keep looking. Do yourself a favor and set an alert on your phone to keep looking for tickets. Go see it because if you miss this, there isn’t another opportunity to see these films again. Think of it as a live, in person Snap Chat.

Go. Go see some beautiful, awesome people having sexy fun time with each other.

P.S. It’s good to be back writing. 😉

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