Archive | January, 2018

#Me too: Aziz Ansari Pt 1

30 Jan

Disclaimer: Even though I have been an anti-rape culture activist for nearly 7 years, I still don’t understand some things. I have a LONG way to go before I get it and I know a lot of people are like me. So I encourage an honest discussion because that is the only way we will get through this.

When the The Young Turks reported this story, I initially agreed with Cenk and Ana. I thought, “Yeah! That sounds like #metoo gone too far.” I decided to look up “Grace’s” post and read her account anyway. I’m glad I took the time to read it. As I read it, I responded with “Oh, that’s kind of a bummer..” and then

“Oh.. “ ….

“Oh.. dear…”

“Oh no.. “

The more I read, the less I could deny he had not wanted to believe her body language or her statements. It was clear he understood she did not want to have sex. After he verbally confirmed she didn’t want to have sex, he paused.. but then continued to attempt to convince her.

I know many cisgendered men are used to this.

I know many of them think it’s okay.. and so far, it has been accepted.

But I think that time is over.

I don’t believe Aziz is a bad person. It is true if you are aware of problems in the world, you are less likely to contribute to those issues but it doesn’t mean you won’t cross lines. Just because Aziz is a feminist doesn’t mean he won’t cause sexual harm to someone. And that’s what I’m going to call it for now until I know what to call it (please feel free to leave comments and discuss). Technically, in WA state law, this constitutes as rape because he used his fingers orally and she felt pressured to have oral sex with him. But still, it feels like it’s too strong a term to associate with this.

When a person, sexual partner, continues to ask you to perform sexual acts even though you have stated you don’t want to have sex.. That is troubling issue. And it’s also an accepted trouble.

Aziz, despite his “woke feminism”, is still conditioned to go persuade his partner to have sex even if they are not enthusiastic or are unwilling. This is common in around the world. It’s accepted as “male behavior.” Let me be very clear; I do not think Aziz is a bad person. I think he’s a person who does his best to be a better human being every day and chose to ignore her signals and gave into a default.

I also have to give you a bit of grain of salt to pair with that opinion: I have had a few abusive relationships and I have had a difficult time letting go of some of my thoughts/beliefs that allowed me to stay in those situations. I always want to see the best in people. I don’t know if that’s my conditioning as a woman or if that’s my personality.

I can tell you from experience that it sucks to deal with a scenario like what Aziz gave “Grace” on a regular basis. It …. depletes you over time. Even for someone with a healthy sex drive and great relationship with sex. I have experienced this in a long term relationship. The constantly moving down the couch, the inching away in bed, saying “I’m not up to this” and then STILL having your partner continue attempt to persuade you. Over time, it is a coercive, abusive, manipulative thing to do.. to continually ignore your partner’s wishes.

So when I read that this is a part of a one night stand with Aziz, I have to wonder.. is that how he always is? If that is how you begin an encounter with someone, how is it on a long term basis?


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