I Love You, Jamey Rodemeyer

“People were really cruel to me, bullied a lot, beat up, thrown against the walls, lockers, windows, stuffed into bathroom stalls, people shit on my car, people scratched my car, broke my windows.. and my parents went in to talk to the school administrators about the harassment I was getting in school. One of them basically said ‘If you look that way, talk that way, walk that way, act that way, then there’s nothing we can do to help your son.'” Terry, the partner of Dan Savage (founder of the It Gets Better Project), said these words in the video above. I chose to highlight these words because it highlights the fundamental problem in the way human beings think about sexuality that lead to further bullying and supporting sexual assault.

Today I read about Jamey Rodemeyer’s death. Reading about it broke my heart, man.. It really did.. He was so young. I watched his video for the It Gets Better Project (Yes, he made a video encouraging hope months before he took his life). It was obvious he was sweet, sensitive and conscious. We really needed more people like him. Lets not waste the impact of his death because each and every one of us is a special, ordinary person that matters. I am thankful that he had a supportive community to balance evil he faced from his peers. I want to say thank you to the people who stood by him. I hope none of his supporters are blaming themselves for this. You did more than you will ever know. I’m so, so sorry his life ended this way.

I used to think suicide was selfish. The first time someone very close to me in my family attempted suicide, I was angry for years. I thought this person was inconsiderate to the people around them and weak. It took me 5 or 6 years to understand how much grief comes over someone to consider suicide. That person is so far gone into hopelessness, so far gone.. I can hardly imagine. The second time someone else in my family attempted suicide, I was full of rage at the people I felt pushed him to it. Yeah, this person chose to attempt suicide but those people.. pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed. Eventually, a person will break down, no matter how strong willed they are.

When someone is in this kind of aching, it is important to be compassionate. The world has already been brutal enough toward them.

Terry’s words in the video above struck home with me. If he had been different, if he had done something different, then he could receive help. Lets place the blame where it belongs: on the one bullying, shaming and being an inconsiderate evil little monster. As much anger as I have toward these people that pushed this kid this far, I know that the way to beat anything is to be the thing it is not. What they offered was hate; we can offer love. I don’t mean being soft. I mean being challenging and educating. I mean, stretching the boundaries of the heart and finding a way past our anger to kick this kind of thing to the curb. Enough.

It was enough a long time ago but goddamnit, no more. Be kind to each other. Please, for the love of this kid, be kind. Whatever your actions are it is your thoughts that fuel the energy behind them. Pay attention; they matter.

He does what? What would you do?

This afternoon, I read Dan Savage’s advice column, Savage Love. And I was wondering if I wouldn’t find anything to write about today? As if!

WARNING: The following paragraphs talk may not be suitable for work (or if you are around children). The topic is about sexual nature and do not read if you think you might get in trouble or cause trouble. Be sensible.

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“I grew up masturbating in the digital age. So in any given week, I get off on “Wincest,” hypnosis porn, and erotic literature involving cat people. I’m also a young husband who’s gone a few years past your recommended date for laying down his kink cards. I’ve been deliberating whether to out myself to my wife, but there’s a rub: The last time she found out I had masturbated to someone other than her, she hit me. I cried and swore I would never look at porn again. Of course I just became more careful about hiding it.

Is there a limit on the necessitated disclosure of my wet dreams? I don’t have to tell her the one where I’m having sex with her best friend while she, having been turned into a dog, looks on stupidly, right? Can I settle for “I masturbate to women who aren’t you”?

Wife Abusive, Not Kinky”

He does WHAT?! She does WHAT?!  Oy. There is so much wrong with this scenario. He’s hiding. She’s abusive. There is a lot to say here but I’ll only touch on a few subjects because we all know hitting someone else, screaming, yelling at them, calling them names, etc.. is bad. Any abusive behavior is not okay, no matter how angry a person is.

The issue that leaps out at me, aside from the obvious, is the secret the husband is keeping. I don’t know why people find this acceptable. I don’t know why people aren’t willing to accept their partner’s kinks. And those partners with kinky urges should be willing to accept their partner’s discomfort. This passing honesty back and forth should happen, I think. And in a perfect world everyone would be very understanding, giving, willing to participate and allow.. but then I recognize this crosses personal boundaries. I don’t know where to begin with something like this.

What I do know is that I don’t think there should be secrets between this couple. I truly do not understand the idea of marrying someone and not wanting to know more about your partner. But I know that my boundaries are fairly wide and accepting. Not everyone is like me and that’s a good thing. Perhaps I should not be so accepting. *shrugs* Truly, I don’t know.

He has a kinky thing he likes. It’s odd to me but there are plenty of people just like him and truthfully, we ALL have something we’re kinky and freaky about if we’re honest. I’m not so different from him and chances are you aren’t either. Even those up-tight-I’m-completely-straight-laced types have something they fantasize about that’s a little strange.

What bothers me, aside from her abusive acts, this woman chose to marry this man and shuns him when he’s being honest with her. It is uncomfortable to hear your partner thinks about someone else sexually but we know this is natural. Biologically, we are not monogamous creatures. We choose to be monogamous. I’m not sure why that is but I like it too. I like having one partner I am completely dedicated to but our bodies say another thing, sometimes.

What would you do if you discovered this about your partner? What if your male partner decides he likes to wear women’s clothing? Or she likes to be choked? What if she turns the buck around on you, sir, and wants to penetrate you? What if that’s her fantasy? Would you be willing? What if your straight male partner wanted this? Would you be willing to?

And what if your partner wasn’t willing to fulfill these fantasies? Then what?

I am tempted to agree with the way people like to keep things, stuffed away in the corner, hidden in the attic, shoved underneath papers long forgotten… Some things are better left hidden, someone said once. Some things are “too difficult” or “too much” for someone else to comprehend so we hide them but what I’ve noticed from speaking with long-term couples and committed partners is that these things have a way of coming out. Nothing stays in the dark forever.