He does what? What would you do?

This afternoon, I read Dan Savage’s advice column, Savage Love. And I was wondering if I wouldn’t find anything to write about today? As if!

WARNING: The following paragraphs talk may not be suitable for work (or if you are around children). The topic is about sexual nature and do not read if you think you might get in trouble or cause trouble. Be sensible.

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“I grew up masturbating in the digital age. So in any given week, I get off on “Wincest,” hypnosis porn, and erotic literature involving cat people. I’m also a young husband who’s gone a few years past your recommended date for laying down his kink cards. I’ve been deliberating whether to out myself to my wife, but there’s a rub: The last time she found out I had masturbated to someone other than her, she hit me. I cried and swore I would never look at porn again. Of course I just became more careful about hiding it.

Is there a limit on the necessitated disclosure of my wet dreams? I don’t have to tell her the one where I’m having sex with her best friend while she, having been turned into a dog, looks on stupidly, right? Can I settle for “I masturbate to women who aren’t you”?

Wife Abusive, Not Kinky”

He does WHAT?! She does WHAT?!  Oy. There is so much wrong with this scenario. He’s hiding. She’s abusive. There is a lot to say here but I’ll only touch on a few subjects because we all know hitting someone else, screaming, yelling at them, calling them names, etc.. is bad. Any abusive behavior is not okay, no matter how angry a person is.

The issue that leaps out at me, aside from the obvious, is the secret the husband is keeping. I don’t know why people find this acceptable. I don’t know why people aren’t willing to accept their partner’s kinks. And those partners with kinky urges should be willing to accept their partner’s discomfort. This passing honesty back and forth should happen, I think. And in a perfect world everyone would be very understanding, giving, willing to participate and allow.. but then I recognize this crosses personal boundaries. I don’t know where to begin with something like this.

What I do know is that I don’t think there should be secrets between this couple. I truly do not understand the idea of marrying someone and not wanting to know more about your partner. But I know that my boundaries are fairly wide and accepting. Not everyone is like me and that’s a good thing. Perhaps I should not be so accepting. *shrugs* Truly, I don’t know.

He has a kinky thing he likes. It’s odd to me but there are plenty of people just like him and truthfully, we ALL have something we’re kinky and freaky about if we’re honest. I’m not so different from him and chances are you aren’t either. Even those up-tight-I’m-completely-straight-laced types have something they fantasize about that’s a little strange.

What bothers me, aside from her abusive acts, this woman chose to marry this man and shuns him when he’s being honest with her. It is uncomfortable to hear your partner thinks about someone else sexually but we know this is natural. Biologically, we are not monogamous creatures. We choose to be monogamous. I’m not sure why that is but I like it too. I like having one partner I am completely dedicated to but our bodies say another thing, sometimes.

What would you do if you discovered this about your partner? What if your male partner decides he likes to wear women’s clothing? Or she likes to be choked? What if she turns the buck around on you, sir, and wants to penetrate you? What if that’s her fantasy? Would you be willing? What if your straight male partner wanted this? Would you be willing to?

And what if your partner wasn’t willing to fulfill these fantasies? Then what?

I am tempted to agree with the way people like to keep things, stuffed away in the corner, hidden in the attic, shoved underneath papers long forgotten… Some things are better left hidden, someone said once. Some things are “too difficult” or “too much” for someone else to comprehend so we hide them but what I’ve noticed from speaking with long-term couples and committed partners is that these things have a way of coming out. Nothing stays in the dark forever.