#Me too: Aziz Ansari Pt 1

30 Jan

Disclaimer: Even though I have been an anti-rape culture activist for nearly 7 years, I still don’t understand some things. I have a LONG way to go before I get it and I know a lot of people are like me. So I encourage an honest discussion because that is the only way we will get through this.

When the The Young Turks reported this story, I initially agreed with Cenk and Ana. I thought, “Yeah! That sounds like #metoo gone too far.” I decided to look up “Grace’s” post and read her account anyway. I’m glad I took the time to read it. As I read it, I responded with “Oh, that’s kind of a bummer..” and then

“Oh.. “ ….

“Oh.. dear…”

“Oh no.. “

The more I read, the less I could deny he had not wanted to believe her body language or her statements. It was clear he understood she did not want to have sex. After he verbally confirmed she didn’t want to have sex, he paused.. but then continued to attempt to convince her.

I know many cisgendered men are used to this.

I know many of them think it’s okay.. and so far, it has been accepted.

But I think that time is over.

I don’t believe Aziz is a bad person. It is true if you are aware of problems in the world, you are less likely to contribute to those issues but it doesn’t mean you won’t cross lines. Just because Aziz is a feminist doesn’t mean he won’t cause sexual harm to someone. And that’s what I’m going to call it for now until I know what to call it (please feel free to leave comments and discuss). Technically, in WA state law, this constitutes as rape because he used his fingers orally and she felt pressured to have oral sex with him. But still, it feels like it’s too strong a term to associate with this.

When a person, sexual partner, continues to ask you to perform sexual acts even though you have stated you don’t want to have sex.. That is troubling issue. And it’s also an accepted trouble.

Aziz, despite his “woke feminism”, is still conditioned to go persuade his partner to have sex even if they are not enthusiastic or are unwilling. This is common in around the world. It’s accepted as “male behavior.” Let me be very clear; I do not think Aziz is a bad person. I think he’s a person who does his best to be a better human being every day and chose to ignore her signals and gave into a default.

I also have to give you a bit of grain of salt to pair with that opinion: I have had a few abusive relationships and I have had a difficult time letting go of some of my thoughts/beliefs that allowed me to stay in those situations. I always want to see the best in people. I don’t know if that’s my conditioning as a woman or if that’s my personality.

I can tell you from experience that it sucks to deal with a scenario like what Aziz gave “Grace” on a regular basis. It …. depletes you over time. Even for someone with a healthy sex drive and great relationship with sex. I have experienced this in a long term relationship. The constantly moving down the couch, the inching away in bed, saying “I’m not up to this” and then STILL having your partner continue attempt to persuade you. Over time, it is a coercive, abusive, manipulative thing to do.. to continually ignore your partner’s wishes.

So when I read that this is a part of a one night stand with Aziz, I have to wonder.. is that how he always is? If that is how you begin an encounter with someone, how is it on a long term basis?


HUMP! Film Fest 2017

30 Nov

Warning: This post is likely NSFW. There are no nude pictures but there is strong language and detailed description. It’s a porn review.

I’m not sure what took me so long to see HUMP! Something always got in the way but I’ll never make that mistake again.

It was glorious, uncomfortable, hilarious and refreshing porn. What a joy it was to see people, I mean people, fucking and sucking with delirious grins on their faces. HUMP! Is a far cry away from “Hot girl, big boobs, shaved pussy, cunnilingus for 1 minute before she sucks him off for 15 minutes and then he fucks her for another 15 minutes in multiple positions, cum shot in the face.” Blah, blah.

HUMP! Has something for everyone because it represents everyone. It’s fucking hot.


The first porno I saw was a naked man running down a field with his flopping dick. The film was definitely made in the 70s or 80s. Shortly after that, a woman ran after him. I saw it at a friend’s sleep over for her birthday party. We were in middle school; only myself and the birthday girl were brave enough to watch it. It was her mother’s porno. We quickly turned it off after we saw naked, running people. We were giggling and too embarrassed to watch any further.

Sitting in that theatre on November 12th, to watch 20+ short porn films felt like watching my first porno all over again but better; as far as I could tell, we all mostly kept our eyes open.

The festival opened up with “Objectify” which was a series of sexy objects: crayons being inserted in something, a sleeping bag playfully wiggling into a camping tent, jello wobbling like jiggly butts, giant balloons under the shirt. You get the point. It was a great opener and a much needed ice breaker. There were other funny short films like “Beach Boys” (a few seconds of playfully flopping dicks), a country song about being in a poly relationship, a woman who had a fetish about savings, musical queefs and a cautionary tale about not using all your batteries for sex toys.

We watched a lost hiker find fantasy, lingerie nymphs tackling the hiker for sexual pleasure (the costumes reminded me of Candomblé goddess movement, the outcasted Orixas); a couple in an alley outside of a laundry shop; a couple in the desert; and two people who meet in a coffee shop, dancing their way to sexy. That film won “Best in Show”.

“Morning Comes” was slightly uncomfortable, and sad, for me to watch. It was an honest dialogue about the insecurities we have when we don’t orgasm and how that affects our partners. When people with penises don’t come, with tend to view this as a failure. It took me years to be comfortable with that. It’s strange because even if I don’t have big orgasms, I’ve enjoyed my partner and I’m happy they came. I don’t feel that sex was a failure if I don’t orgasm. But when the tables are turned and my partner doesn’t have “the Big O,” I feel strange.

Like I failed.

But it’s a silly way to define sex. Sex is fluid, creative and about connection anyway; it’s not about if there is jizz mess somewhere on (or in) your body. Why is this one physical act so important? What would it be like to just touch your partner without any thought of coming but just.. Being?


By far the most powerful film was “The Dark Room” and not because of the anal fisting. It was powerful to see a masculine person with a pussy. This was a moment I’ve been waiting years for: different, whole people, in all their sexy glory. That film gave no room for doubting his masculinity. None. It definitely threw people off he didn’t have a cock but there was no doubting his manhood.

That film is needed in the world. We need more trans and queer porn. Because I am not a stranger to sexuality but when I saw “The Dark Room” I wasn’t sure if it was trans or queer porn; I didn’t know what it was. All I saw was a man with a pussy and a person with a cock. I felt sad that there were parts I didn’t understand. I want it to be a part of regular society. I dream of a day where we all don’t need quite so many explanations of different people but then explaining and showing people who are different is a way of celebrating our differences. That I like. But I also wish that what struck me most about that film was the incredible width that ass was stretched to. Holy cow, it was amazing.

I apologize for my awkwardness. I’m still learning and I’d rather be honest than pretend like it wasn’t something I had to adjust to. And that is the reason why I loved it! I had to adjust to it. I had to change what “normal” meant (for lack of a better word).

That film is going to stay with me for a long time.


“Bum Appetite” hit me in a deeply personal place. The woman was so much joy to watch. She enjoyed her partner while he used an eggplant to bring her pleasure. But the fucking grin that spread across her face as she suggested he used it will forever be a favorite memory of that film (he enjoyed the eggplant, too).

But seeing that woman smile, her luscious hips and booty, and how happy that dude was eating her out while she sat on the kitchen counter.. I can’t get over it! It was so hot! She was so hot. The whole experience flipped a switch inside of me. I finally got it. I finally understood why I am attractive to other people. I’ve struggled with viewing myself as attractive for a long time. It’s not a huge ordeal for me but it bugs me in the back of my mind. I find it weird when strangers are attracted to me; they don’t know me and I don’t see my body as anything special. I feel average or plain looking. I am not attracted to myself, you know? It’s hard to see what it is people like, exactly. I like parts of my body but my body as a whole? Meh. And I don’t want people to tell me I’m pretty so that I’ll feel pretty. It doesn’t work like that. We saw people who had a few folds of belly with their legs thrown up in the air and they looked HOT. It was the first time I had considered.. maybe I am also hot when MY legs are up in the air in that position. I “wear my weight well” but constantly worry about my belly fat.

That short film helped me see my own attractiveness because I could relate to her; I could see myself in her. I think HUMP! Film Fest can do that for a lot of people. That’s part of the point of porn, isn’t it? Or, wasn’t it supposed to be? To feel sexy? We impose these impossible standards on what constitutes as sexy. It’s to the point where human beings  cannot naturally live up to it. HUMP! Film Fest can help us unlearn our current beauty standards and build something better.

HUMP! Did more unpacking about beauty than anything I’ve seen in a long time; it didn’t explain, it just was. Because what it really, really comes down to is “But am I desirable? Am I sexy?”

The answer is yes. Yes, you are desirable and you are sexy.

This is why we need to create what we wish there was more of in the world.

Thank you to all the brave souls who participated this year and all the previous years.

HUMP! Film Fest is not only in the Pacific Northwest; it’s a tour. I’m looking at you Ohio, Illinois, Pennsylvania, New York, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Rhode Island, New Mexico, Louisiana, and many more! Some have dates have yet to be scheduled but keep looking. Do yourself a favor and set an alert on your phone to keep looking for tickets. Go see it because if you miss this, there isn’t another opportunity to see these films again. Think of it as a live, in person Snap Chat.

Go. Go see some beautiful, awesome people having sexy fun time with each other.

P.S. It’s good to be back writing. 😉

That Porn Article

25 Oct

So this post has been going around:

Porn Makes Men Terrible in Bed

Admittedly, I’ve been avoiding it a little bit. In principle, I like porn. Human beings gettin’ it on AND I get to watch AND they WANT me to watch? Yes, please. That sounds like a fantastic time (with someone or by myself). You could say I grew up watching porn-as soon as I was able to think about searching for porn and brave enough to actually do it, I did (don’t worry; plenty of my guy friends were all about “helping” me with this. No sweat). But porn 12-15 years ago was nothing like it is today. And porn in the early 2000’s is vastly different from the porn of the ’70s ’80s and ’90s.

The first porno I saw was at a sleepover birthday party (the friend was religious; go figure). I’ll never forget that flopping penis with hair everywhere attached to a man running through the fields. That image is burned in my brain forever. We couldn’t watch past it too much because we were feeling uncomfortable, not sure of what to do and too giggly.

Later on as an adult, I began to explore quite a bit. At one point, I was a huge Rocco Siffredi fan. I wish I could say I liked his earlier stuff the best but really, it was the darker stuff he began shooting later on in his career.

Exploring sexuality is important but we have normalized violence. There’s a fine line that’s crossed between both (or multiple) partners enjoying the danger and nastiness or taboo of something and like what the author of the post above points out: the fake smiles and false enjoyment. Once that’s burned into your brain, it normalizes it. It sets up a pattern of what is okay and acceptable. The brain is easily programmable (a gift and a curse): associate pleasure with someone else’s pain and we have a serious issue on our hands.

More sadistic porn will teach young men to derive pleasure from causing women pain — and I’m not talking about BDSM. I’m talking about “vanilla” porn where men fuck women in ways that hurt them. Jenna Jameson describes one of her more “epic” porn scenes with TT Boy in her autobiography:

He raced through the foreplay — a little kissing a little oral sex — then all hell broke loose. He slammed me so fast and hard that it took every ounce of control I had to stay focused and in the moment…. I could feel my thighs bruising against his. Then suddenly it all stopped. He pulled out and shot straight into my mouth. I wasn’t expecting him to pop so soon.

From Porn Makes Men Terrible in Bed by Emma Lindsay

It is too frustrating and painful to watch most of the porn that’s out there. I’m hard pressed to find GOOD footage of a man seriously pleasure the hell out of a woman. Sometimes girl on girl porn will suffice but the obvious faking of it it just.. too annoying. There are very few (free) videos of a man enjoying licking and sucking a woman’s body parts and if it’s a decent scene, it’s short and she’s sucking his cock for a while. I can never watch the whole thing: I scan through to see where it goes.  Most of it is the guy fucking the woman hard.. Spreading her out..

Sometimes I get angry and yell back. OF COURSE she’s now sucking his cock for the next 10 goddamn minutes and then he fucks and spreads her in a multitude of ways and that’s fucking it. It’s always about the cock in mainstream porn.


Men learned to get turned on by female suffering, and women expect to get turned on by their own suffering. But, suffering sucks, and a lot of women eventually decide they’d rather not have sex than suffer whenever they do.

From Porn Makes Men Terrible in Bed by Emma Lindsay

And that.. is the kicker. As a woman who prided herself for a long time on being able to “hang with the boys” in all areas of life (completely suppressing my femininity unless it was for sex-then I was all about the female charm), that hits home. Eventually, you start to feel worthless and inhuman because you can’t keep up anymore.

I’ll explore this a little more later but I’m curious to hear your thoughts on it, how you feel about the subject and you’ve experienced any of it.

Slut Shaming Workshop in Public Schools!

6 May

Hey everyone!

An exciting opportunity “came across my desk” (heh because I don’t have one. I have a dining table, a couch and a bed to work on. My favorite spaces), last week. A school contacted Slutwalk Seattle (of which I am honored to help organize this year) and ask if someone was willing to come and present a Slut Shaming workshop in their school for Mental Health Awareness Day.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime for me. It’s something I’ve been craving to do because it’s NEEDED. It’s great the college campuses are places we can pursue activities like this but.. really, slut shaming starts in high school (and junior high). High school is when we’re confronted with this stuff head on and it’s hard. It’s confusing. Kids get mixed up in stuff they don’t mean to .. who can they talk to?

I’m really proud of Seattle for being so open minded and coming to Slutwalk for this. We are the experts! What an incredible deal. My heart is pumping. I’m not too nervous about messing up (I’m sure that will happen) or stumbling on my words or .. maybe not always knowing what to say because we’re all in this together. This is.. I think, a first in many ways. I mean.. IN HIGH SCHOOL?!!! How fantastic!

I’m just not used to talk to minors about it so it’s interesting ground to walk through. Phew… Heart is pounding today. This is epic. Epic. I could kiss the ground and oh if there was a god, well, and you’re behind it? Well.. I’m happy for this. It’s a huge step toward progress to be able to have this conversation. Unreal.

I’m giddy and pinching myself. Just thought I’d share this excitement while I’m finalizing my draft. I feel like a “real person” now.. Really, doing what I love and changing the world in my own small way 🙂 I could cry. I probably will but hopefully afterward *laughs*



Can’t wait to update you on how it goes 🙂 Hopefully this is the start of much more to come!

“Why Won’t You Educate Me About Feminism?”

22 Feb

One day, I hope to write as well as The Belle Jar.

The Belle Jar

He doesn’t hate women.

Above and beyond everything else, he wants you to know this: he does not hate women.

He has two daughters, for god’s sake, and a wife that he adores beyond anything else, and a sister that he texts every day and a mother who is the strongest person that he’s ever known – yes, stronger than any of the men he’s met. So don’t think that this is because he hates women.

If anything, his real problem is loving women too much.

See, he just wants his daughters to grow up safe and happy. And to be honest, some of the things that you’re saying – that these feminists are saying – are troubling to him.

He just wants to have a sort of academic chat. Peer to peer. Grownup to grownup. That’s all. He’s not saying you’re wrong – not by a long shot! He…

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How To Undermine A Rape Victim 101

10 Feb

I couldn’t have said it any better.

The Belle Jar

Trigger warning for talk of rape 

Preface the victim’s open letter about the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her father with a statement saying that he deserves the presumption of innocence. Always approach situations like this with the thought that the victim might be lying; remind yourself and others that the burden of proof is on her.

Insist on referring to the victim as the rapist’s “adopted daughter,” as if that mitigates what he has done. Using subtle language cues like this, imply that though it might be rape, it’s not really incest because the the rapist is not the victim’s biological father. Pretend that adoptive parents somehow feel differently about their children than biological parents do.

Like the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, insist on your ability to differentiate between an artist and their art. As a spokesperson for the organization said, “The…

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1: Open Mouth. 2: Insert Foot.

10 Feb

Why We Can’t Have Black Feminist Pop Icons.

9 Feb

This. If you read anything today, read this. Especially if the subject makes you uncomfortable. Especially if the thought had never entered your mind.. especially if you are lost about pop icons (as I am. It’s terrible because I should pay more attention to have more insight but in general I”m oblivious to pop stars.. so this one was an important one for me). So while I don’t know very much about Nicki Minaj or Lilly Allen (had to look them both up. I know, where was I?).. these are such excellent questions.


(Lesli-Ann Lewis is a small, queer and brown invader of homogeneous spaces. Fancying herself a burgeoning writer, this is her first piece for Hood Feminism. She can be found on Twitter, all too often: @lesellele.)


Remember several weeks ago when blogger and writer Jincey Lumpkin called Miley Cyrus a feminist icon? Outspoken Black feminists took her to task for ignoring Miley’s exploitation of Black women. The backlash was so fierce that Jincey apologized.

Fast forward to November 13th, an ordinary day made extraordinary by the declaration of Lily Allen’s “Hard Out Here” as a feminist anthem and her video as a “genius” satire of pop videos. The video swerves into Miley’s lane featuring a relatively covered pop singer surrounded by scantily clad Black women. It features close-ups of Black women twerking, a long-standing hip hop dance for which has bizarrely been given credit Miley Cyrus. Lily Allen herself claims…

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As we begin Black History Month…

7 Feb

*sigh* Oh do I remember this growing up..

Changed My Mind About Blurred Lines

29 Jan

So.. That’s embarrassing, isn’t it?

Well, I think it’s better to have a real discussion rather than pretending I understood the outrage over the song Blurred Lines. It really did skip over me that “blurred lines” had anything to do with drugging her. I’m the WORST at knowing about drug references. I didn’t catch that for a while. Also, I have a habit of.. well, just.. being a bit naive about bad intentions. It doesn’t matter how “aware” I am of things, sometimes even the most obvious stuff runs right past me without me catching it.

Really and truly, I thought the song was about not being able to cross over those lines because had a boyfriend. I kept focusing on the relationship part.. rather than the “I’m just going have sex with you one way or another” part. That’s rape. The drug reference blew it wide open for me. Then I could see it. 

I talked about this a LOT with friends.. it just didn’t make any sense to me. But about a week after my post I changed my mind about the song. 

And promptly forgot to write another post about it here 🙂

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