That Porn Article

25 Oct

So this post has been going around:

Porn Makes Men Terrible in Bed

Admittedly, I’ve been avoiding it a little bit. In principle, I like porn. Human beings gettin’ it on AND I get to watch AND they WANT me to watch? Yes, please. That sounds like a fantastic time (with someone or by myself). You could say I grew up watching porn-as soon as I was able to think about searching for porn and brave enough to actually do it, I did (don’t worry; plenty of my guy friends were all about “helping” me with this. No sweat). But porn 12-15 years ago was nothing like it is today. And porn in the early 2000’s is vastly different from the porn of the ’70s ’80s and ’90s.

The first porno I saw was at a sleepover birthday party (the friend was religious; go figure). I’ll never forget that flopping penis with hair everywhere attached to a man running through the fields. That image is burned in my brain forever. We couldn’t watch past it too much because we were feeling uncomfortable, not sure of what to do and too giggly.

Later on as an adult, I began to explore quite a bit. At one point, I was a huge Rocco Siffredi fan. I wish I could say I liked his earlier stuff the best but really, it was the darker stuff he began shooting later on in his career.

Exploring sexuality is important but we have normalized violence. There’s a fine line that’s crossed between both (or multiple) partners enjoying the danger and nastiness or taboo of something and like what the author of the post above points out: the fake smiles and false enjoyment. Once that’s burned into your brain, it normalizes it. It sets up a pattern of what is okay and acceptable. The brain is easily programmable (a gift and a curse): associate pleasure with someone else’s pain and we have a serious issue on our hands.

More sadistic porn will teach young men to derive pleasure from causing women pain — and I’m not talking about BDSM. I’m talking about “vanilla” porn where men fuck women in ways that hurt them. Jenna Jameson describes one of her more “epic” porn scenes with TT Boy in her autobiography:

He raced through the foreplay — a little kissing a little oral sex — then all hell broke loose. He slammed me so fast and hard that it took every ounce of control I had to stay focused and in the moment…. I could feel my thighs bruising against his. Then suddenly it all stopped. He pulled out and shot straight into my mouth. I wasn’t expecting him to pop so soon.

From Porn Makes Men Terrible in Bed by Emma Lindsay

It is too frustrating and painful to watch most of the porn that’s out there. I’m hard pressed to find GOOD footage of a man seriously pleasure the hell out of a woman. Sometimes girl on girl porn will suffice but the obvious faking of it it just.. too annoying. There are very few (free) videos of a man enjoying licking and sucking a woman’s body parts and if it’s a decent scene, it’s short and she’s sucking his cock for a while. I can never watch the whole thing: I scan through to see where it goes.  Most of it is the guy fucking the woman hard.. Spreading her out..

Sometimes I get angry and yell back. OF COURSE she’s now sucking his cock for the next 10 goddamn minutes and then he fucks and spreads her in a multitude of ways and that’s fucking it. It’s always about the cock in mainstream porn.

*****

Men learned to get turned on by female suffering, and women expect to get turned on by their own suffering. But, suffering sucks, and a lot of women eventually decide they’d rather not have sex than suffer whenever they do.

From Porn Makes Men Terrible in Bed by Emma Lindsay

And that.. is the kicker. As a woman who prided herself for a long time on being able to “hang with the boys” in all areas of life (completely suppressing my femininity unless it was for sex-then I was all about the female charm), that hits home. Eventually, you start to feel worthless and inhuman because you can’t keep up anymore.

I’ll explore this a little more later but I’m curious to hear your thoughts on it, how you feel about the subject and you’ve experienced any of it.

Slut Shaming Workshop in Public Schools!

6 May

Hey everyone!

An exciting opportunity “came across my desk” (heh because I don’t have one. I have a dining table, a couch and a bed to work on. My favorite spaces), last week. A school contacted Slutwalk Seattle (of which I am honored to help organize this year) and ask if someone was willing to come and present a Slut Shaming workshop in their school for Mental Health Awareness Day.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime for me. It’s something I’ve been craving to do because it’s NEEDED. It’s great the college campuses are places we can pursue activities like this but.. really, slut shaming starts in high school (and junior high). High school is when we’re confronted with this stuff head on and it’s hard. It’s confusing. Kids get mixed up in stuff they don’t mean to .. who can they talk to?

I’m really proud of Seattle for being so open minded and coming to Slutwalk for this. We are the experts! What an incredible deal. My heart is pumping. I’m not too nervous about messing up (I’m sure that will happen) or stumbling on my words or .. maybe not always knowing what to say because we’re all in this together. This is.. I think, a first in many ways. I mean.. IN HIGH SCHOOL?!!! How fantastic!

I’m just not used to talk to minors about it so it’s interesting ground to walk through. Phew… Heart is pounding today. This is epic. Epic. I could kiss the ground and oh if there was a god, well, and you’re behind it? Well.. I’m happy for this. It’s a huge step toward progress to be able to have this conversation. Unreal.

I’m giddy and pinching myself. Just thought I’d share this excitement while I’m finalizing my draft. I feel like a “real person” now.. Really, doing what I love and changing the world in my own small way 🙂 I could cry. I probably will but hopefully afterward *laughs*

 

You GUYS! THIS IS AWESOME!

Can’t wait to update you on how it goes 🙂 Hopefully this is the start of much more to come!

“Why Won’t You Educate Me About Feminism?”

22 Feb

One day, I hope to write as well as The Belle Jar.

The Belle Jar

He doesn’t hate women.

Above and beyond everything else, he wants you to know this: he does not hate women.

He has two daughters, for god’s sake, and a wife that he adores beyond anything else, and a sister that he texts every day and a mother who is the strongest person that he’s ever known – yes, stronger than any of the men he’s met. So don’t think that this is because he hates women.

If anything, his real problem is loving women too much.

See, he just wants his daughters to grow up safe and happy. And to be honest, some of the things that you’re saying – that these feminists are saying – are troubling to him.

He just wants to have a sort of academic chat. Peer to peer. Grownup to grownup. That’s all. He’s not saying you’re wrong – not by a long shot! He…

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How To Undermine A Rape Victim 101

10 Feb dylan-farrow-blog480-v3

I couldn’t have said it any better.

The Belle Jar

Trigger warning for talk of rape 

Preface the victim’s open letter about the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her father with a statement saying that he deserves the presumption of innocence. Always approach situations like this with the thought that the victim might be lying; remind yourself and others that the burden of proof is on her.

Insist on referring to the victim as the rapist’s “adopted daughter,” as if that mitigates what he has done. Using subtle language cues like this, imply that though it might be rape, it’s not really incest because the the rapist is not the victim’s biological father. Pretend that adoptive parents somehow feel differently about their children than biological parents do.

Like the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, insist on your ability to differentiate between an artist and their art. As a spokesperson for the organization said, “The…

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1: Open Mouth. 2: Insert Foot.

10 Feb

The doctor is in.

I currently spend a lot of time at the gym. By virtue of the fact that the elliptical machine I like is positioned in the corner of the gym where they show several different network news outlets. There is about ten million things wrong with this, because the news tends to make me furious for a lot of reasons, not the least of which that none of the network news outlets is actually news anymore. In one of the rare gems of actual news amid all the vast sea of shitty, sensationalized celebrity news and the general fear mongering of Fox I saw this:

“Our party stands for the recognition of the equality of women and the capacity of women,” Huckabee said. “…Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month…

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Why We Can’t Have Black Feminist Pop Icons.

9 Feb

This. If you read anything today, read this. Especially if the subject makes you uncomfortable. Especially if the thought had never entered your mind.. especially if you are lost about pop icons (as I am. It’s terrible because I should pay more attention to have more insight but in general I”m oblivious to pop stars.. so this one was an important one for me). So while I don’t know very much about Nicki Minaj or Lilly Allen (had to look them both up. I know, where was I?).. these are such excellent questions.

hoodfeminism

(Lesli-Ann Lewis is a small, queer and brown invader of homogeneous spaces. Fancying herself a burgeoning writer, this is her first piece for Hood Feminism. She can be found on Twitter, all too often: @lesellele.)

 

Remember several weeks ago when blogger and writer Jincey Lumpkin called Miley Cyrus a feminist icon? Outspoken Black feminists took her to task for ignoring Miley’s exploitation of Black women. The backlash was so fierce that Jincey apologized.

Fast forward to November 13th, an ordinary day made extraordinary by the declaration of Lily Allen’s “Hard Out Here” as a feminist anthem and her video as a “genius” satire of pop videos. The video swerves into Miley’s lane featuring a relatively covered pop singer surrounded by scantily clad Black women. It features close-ups of Black women twerking, a long-standing hip hop dance for which has bizarrely been given credit Miley Cyrus. Lily Allen herself claims…

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As we begin Black History Month…

7 Feb

*sigh* Oh do I remember this growing up..

Change From Within

Please stop asking why there isn’t a White History Month.

White History

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